Dear:	Select Mr. Mrs. Miss
This is one of the most difficult letters I've ever written:
Select as I've grown very attached to this place. since that essay in primary school about your holiday. closely followed by the breakup letter to that Swedish swimsuit model. as typing and dancing for joy at the same time isn't easy. as I just couldn't think of the perfect insult. as there are no dictionaries for swearwords. as my liberation tears keep smudging the ink. as they don't make keyboards with rude gesture keys. as I've never been quite sure if you actually understand English.
But I've realised:
Select it's time to move on. I'm destined for bigger things. I'll never live up to your expectations. I'd rather work in a sweatshop in Guam. that my ambition is no match for your stupidity. that you make rocks look clever. my pot plant shows more emotion than you. you're the protagonist in my night terrors. I'd rather be nurtured by a hungry pack of wolves. you know less than I do.
This is to inform you that I can no longer work here as:
Select a new opportunity has presented itself. I've joined the witness-protection program. I've realized I'm allergic to your brand of deodorant. the aliens are taking me to their mothership. they need me back in middle earth. I've accepted a job in porn. The hours are better and the working conditions the same. I've robbed a bank and am currently on the run I've made a breakthrough in curing cancer and need the extra hours. I've decided to donate my brain to science since I'm not using it anyway. my split personality you created convinced me I can do better.
I'll always remember my time here and:
Select smile fondly. probably regret my decision. cry in a fetal position. reach for another drink. vomit in my mouth a little. look out my window to make sure you haven't found me. fight the urge to phone my therapist. cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. realise why some mammals eat their young. wonder whose life you're making hell now.
You've taught me:
Select everything. that evil still exist. 4 chins is not a myth. polyester is not dead. in every village there's only room for one idiot. the fine art of psychological torture. that a monobrow is not a sign of wisdom. that it's not only cream that rises to the top. nothing. Nada. Jack. Diddly squat. how to speak in tongues.
Working for you has been:
Select a privilege. my life ambition. like a Freudian joke. like Chinese water torture. like passing kidney stones. like sharing office space with Satan. like 10000 fire ants feeding on my eyeballs. like going to the dentist. Every day. a good indication what eternity must feel like. like watching someone torture kittens. a true test of my sobriety.
You remind me of:
Select a young Richard Branson. Yoda – short but wise. Napoleon – just short. Forrest Gump. Satan's armpit. the poster child for birth control. halitosis with eyeballs. a good joke I once heard. something that grows under the kitchen sink. the ebola virus with a bad toupee.
I'd like to thank you for:
Select giving me this opportunity. being a great boss. making unemployment look so attractive. all the laughs – mostly at you. all the stationery. It will come in handy. never noticing the stool sample I hid in your drawer. the company petrol card. never locking the executive washroom. the excruciating stress-rash you gave me.
Please accept my resignation:
Select with regret. effective immdediately. you witless git. and I hope you get a paper cut reading it. and I hope you catch a flesh-eating virus. and may it serve as a warning to others who contemplate joining here.
Select Yours sincerely. No hard feelings. So long muffin-top.
P.S. don't
Select try to change my mind. try to find me. forget to pick up your own laundry, gimp. forget, I know where you live.
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